Cloud Security is the New Hoverboard

You might not remember the whole thing about hoverboards and the "behind the scenes" footage from Back to the Future -  Part II, but I do. There was this producer or director or some other sort of executive in charge of the movie, and he calmly explained that the hoverboard in the movie was in fact real. He then went on to explain in elaborate detail how it would soon be available in stores all over the US.

Not a hint of sarcasm, no jesting facial expressions. This guy was dead serious.

I know this because I was 14 at the time, and I swore that I would have one for my birthday. My buddy Eric was even hinting that he thought his mom had picked one up and stashed it away for Christmas already, fearing that they would sell out.

Well, as i'm sure you've already guessed, the joke's on Eric and I, because there is no hoverboard. Never has been... probably never will be.

This is why I want to talk to you about "cloud security." Now, I'm not implying that you're 14 and gullible, but there are actual people out there who believe in this thing, and if you're one of them, then you might also start examining why you started adding "ph" to everything that formerly started with an "f" in infosec, right about the same time everyone else did. Actual hackers stopped doing this in the early 90s. The industry started doing it in about 2003.

Scientifically speaking, there's no way that cloud security can exist, because it has a dependency on "the cloud," which I have yet to locate.

Do you know why the cloud cannot exist? because for something to be relevant nomenclature in technology, it needs to be something that has a net positive or negative effect on either most companies or most consumers. The cloud doesn't matter, and I can prove it. Do this:

1. The name of your company is ______(A)________.

2. You currently rely on "the cloud" and the security of the cloud for _____B_____, ______C______, and _____D______.

3. The market space you are in is ________E_______.

4. A security technology that is cloud specific is: _______F________.

4. Assemble the following sentence:

Since i've been at ______A______, our ________B________ , ________C_______, and ______D_______ have enabled the company to  improve bottom line, increase productivity, and set an example in the _______E_______ industry, showing that obviously, we're still a market leader, and that cloud computing has changed the way we do business, forever. Also, I try to stay childlike by perpetuating my belief in the existence of ______F_______.